007a "Monster's Balls"
007a 01 Scene 1. Call off Your Monster.
Scene 1. The Foreman, Lex Land, and the Monster. A large clock hangs on the wall.
--Lex is sniffing with a cold. She's sewing the head onto a monster. In fact, it's t h e Monster. The Foreman gets irritated with her sniffles.
--Call Off Your Monster--
Foreman.
Hey, you!
In the corner with the drippy nose--
Yes, you!
Think you're cute?
With your two-holed-flute music?
No.
Do I have to remind you?:
We keep the dogs outside, and
They'd love to hear you play.
They need a treat but ain't had none yet today.
[Vamp. Then, spoken:]
Lex.
I'm sick.
Foreman.
Well, everyone thinks it's Friday!
I hear your words float by and by--
If I were you? I'd sew my eyes open, and
Forget you ever seen the color blue!
Oh, I'll come up with anything to encourage inspiration
In your measle-y brain. I'd say:
"Dear, how's your week going?"
Tell me! Oh, tell me!
I just love hearing you complain!
--Vamp. Lex sniffs again.
Foreman.
Pete's sake.
Keep it quiet, and maybe you won't die--
Work the bones to your fingers,
Get back sewing and stop getting off on your sniffling face!
[Lex, teary, finishes stitching the Monster's head on. Pushes a red button. There's a malfunction and the Monster comes to life. It vomits green liquid onto the floor and struggles against its chains.]
Foreman.
It's alive!
Oh, is it breathing?
Spurting and wheezing!
It's a dozen surprises at once!
Look, it suddenly sees me!
Oh, is it rising!
[To Lex.]
Foreman.
Now, then, punch your card and take a lunch!
[Oblivious to the Foreman's commands, Lex strokes the Monster's cheek. It looks down, focusing on her face.
[The Monster falls in love with her.]
Lex.
Don't you wonder if the Monster ever thinks of you?
Foreman.
It don't!
Lex.
Will it love you?
Foreman.
It won't!
Lex.
Trust an orphan?
Foreman.
Oh, no!
Look, she's pressed every inch of her shirt!
[Vamp. Protesting, the Foreman declares:]
It won't do!
[Disparagingly, he gestures toward her shabby clothing.]
Look, the button's popped off!
Check the holes in your socks!
But, no!, you sparkling eyes like honey-dew--oh, no . . .
I'm detecting distinctly--
I have this feeling--
I see a dangerous thing in your eyes . . .
Take a break!
[The Monster rips its chains from the assembly line. Growls happily as it flexed its fists for the first time.]
Foreman.
What's that?
[The Monster spins Lex, smiling.]
Foreman.
So, you
And the Monster are dancing?
Lex.
I'm happy . . .
Foreman.
You're not!
Lex.
Think it's lasting?
Foreman
No! Stop!
[The Monster turns an angry gaze to the Foreman.]
Foreman.
Oh, my!
It has a look in its eyes!
My God!
Why is it smiling?!
[The Monster shouts incoherently.]
Foreman.
It's saying, "I'll tear your arms off!"
So . . .
I'll just run outside
And grab a smoke . . .
[The Monster seizes the Foreman as he attempts a clumsy escape.]
Foreman.
Oh, no, it's suddenly seized me!
Beyond believing!
Is there anything your monster won't do!?
[The Monster rips the Foreman's arms off and shouts as the Foreman spurts blood from his empty armholes.]
Foreman.
Do you think your old monster can even see the color blue?
[The Monster beats the Foreman to death with his own arms. He presents the arms to Lex. Enamoured, she takes them happily.]
[Pixies emerge, snapping and circling the couple, happy to be free of the Foreman, who was their tormentor.]
Segue to 007 02 Fashion.
007 02 Fashion.
[The Pixies change Lex's and the Monster's clothing as they dance and sing.]
Pixies.
It's all the fashion
That you can get for the money.
[The line repeats until the Pixie King enters.]
007a 03 Dress Up
[The Pixie King, a flamboyant pansexual fairy, lumbers onstage.]
[Spoken]
No, no, no, no,
No.
--Dress Up, Doll--
[Intro]
Ooo, this, we need some,
Ooo, that, and I'm trying to think
Does our future Queen
Want a wig?
Or does she neeeeed a hat?
I'm seeing . . .
[Verse, Rapped]
A sexy swatch all purple and black
Give me red and crystal,
Textures, fabrics,
A brave new world,
Of opal and jade and beige is my enemy.
Beige is my enemy.
[Segue to Chorus]
No, no, child
[Chorus]
You need to be like *glam* *pow*
Cameras--Now!
We're gonna pop-rock your eyes
And sparkle your skin
I see rust colors and
Tapered hems!
And let's do some justice
To your bust!
Trust us.
We'll make the men have to cover their whatsup--
[Verse, Rapped]
Think you'll walk in like, "Hey, hello"
Forget what you think,
You'll be, "Hey, world!,
"Look, I'm a genius!"
The Queen is here, now, start the party
The Queen is here, it's time to get naughty!
I'm into belt buckles
Low on your hips, with
Firecrackers on your lips!
Why not grow wings?
Why not be fancy?
When I'm done with you
You'll walk like you're dancing!
[Chorus]
I'm talking *flash* gal,
Whenever you're winking
It's pash town,
Wherever you're being
Rags to riches?
So passé.
This is hags to
"We need to know her name!"
"We need to know her name!"
"Oh, my, God, what's her name?!"
Now just tell me now what do you think?
[A mirror is rolled in front of Lex. She moves to adjust something. The Pixie King slaps her hand.]
What do you think?
Well, well, well?
Well, well?
[The Monster and Lex are wearing crazy evening wear and Lex is wearing heavy make-up. Lex is also now wearing "glass go-go boots." They look absolutely ridiculous.
[The Divine Ringmaster/mistress enters. She/he is short of stature. Takes Lex by the hand. Looks ruefully at the Pixie King, who immediately starts crying.
007 03 Miss Muffet
[The Divine Ringmaster is on LOTS of substances. He/she is a fucking lunatic.]
--Miss Muffet--
Let's get realistic,
I think your lipstick
Is just a little bit slutty.
Rolling with the misfits,
Little Miss Muffet
Had better learn some quick-kick karate!
--Throws a jab Lex's way. The Monster roars.
Everyone comes in to play the same game
And leaves for the night with sex on the brain.
But in the middle of their fortune-and-fame,
The twists that go out for the evening
Will see the little girl from the middle of the world . . .
[Whispers something into Lex's ear that makes her wretch.]
Start heaving!
[Bops Lex on the butt.]
Don't protect your tuffet--
You'll have to rough it--
It's all a little bit dreamy.
Nice to see you come in,
Bang in the season!
Let's kill our bosses even though it's naughty!
[Chorus]
Everyone agrees,
And no one complains
Grab this baton, and we'll lead the parade!
Because the little girl in the middle of the whirl
Ain't leaving!
Now, follow me!
Segue to 007 04 The Prophesy of the Great Tomsgottawattle, God of Ayayai [actually pronounced by everyone shouting nonsense.]
[Dialogue during which the Ringmaster announces that Lex is the Queen of the Monster's Balls. The Monster is dubbed the Fated King of Debauchery.
[The Commandments of the Prophesy are reiterated. Lex is given til midnight to prove her Queenly merits or else be sacrificed to Tomsgottawattle, the God of Ayayai.]
[The Ringmaster seats Lex and the Monster on gaudy thrones made out of smashed toilets and glitter. Bows, and cues the band to play, "The Sacred Dance of Pixies Everywhere," a raucous burlesque number.
[Music plays as the Pixies dance. The song ends, and the musicians vamp as the Pixies draw Lex and the Monster onto the Dance Floor of Extraordinary Shimmies. The band segues into 007a 04, "Come Thou Grunt of Every Monster".
[Toward the end of the song, the Monster spins Lex rather madly. Lex is clearly overwhelmed. She trips dizzily to a microphone to sing:]
007 05 Glass Tripper
--Glass Tripper--
Spin me dizzy around the room?
Candle-light tornado in my eyes!
Tables looks great, but I ain't got the time,
I gots to pull myself together by midnight.
But I'm in over my head with this voodoo, -oo -oo,
No matter what the little 'un said.
I just can't remember wanting glass shoe-oo -oo -oos,
I know a one-stop baby, can't we just go there?
'Cause I'm an old-school tripper, yeah.
Kick off these slippers, and we'll have us a ball!
I'm a half-time quitter, yeah.
It's half-past nine-thirty--let's go now or not at all.
Just another Cinderella story:
Rags-to-riches girl a new home.
Everybody watching her trip into the party,
She fits into the slipper, but not into the throne.
[Part 2 and 3 repeated]
Segue to 007 06 No More Pain
007 06 No More Pain
[Sensing Lex's distress, the Pixies separate her from the Monster and give her strange drugs, which she takes. For instance, they have her lick a toad, listen to a toadstool, puff on an elaborate pipe, etc. This action occurs as they sing and chant the following, in a round:]
--No More Pain--
Pixies.
No more pain. I'm promising you . . . [repeated ad infinitem]
Segue to 007 06 Catatonia
007 07 Catatonia
[Lex is very tripped out as she sings the following rather hallucinogenic song:]
--Catatonia--
[Intro]
We've been shopping for a dream,
Haven't we?
Rearranging
Different planes
And colored pieces of the floor . . .
I can't seem to find one--
I need sleep and then some!
All the pictures that I see
Remind me of the Land I'm From:
[Verse]
Catatonia,
Is on the wine dark sea.
I'd let the bathtub fill itself up
Rocking my boat to sleep.
I imagine us,
And I don't know what you'll say
When you find out
What I
Did today . . .
Oh, but is there a light
On?,
And I don't know what it means
When frozen on the floor is a relief.
Sofa, I'd be fine on you,
But you'll have to wait a while
[One of the Pixies acts like a cat and curls up on the floor.]
My cat, Antonia, likes it
Right here on the tile.
I've been mopping as I wink
In and out of sleep.
I feel insane,
Drained
Of all vitality.
What I can't ignore
It doesn't seem to bee
All the red and blue and green . . .
Watching the soldiers
Go on and on
The old woman
The ballerina . . .
The wings . . .
Catatonia,
Catalonia,
Cadillacia,
Catatonia.
[Lex shudders and snaps back to reality. Realizes the Monster, love of her life, is missing.]
[boneyard]
--Candidate Song
Segue to 007 0X Spitfire Lullaby
[Dialogue]
007 07 Spitfire Lullaby
--Lex, sobering up, to the Monster.
--Spitfire Lullaby--
Little spitfire
Had her fill of flame
Smelled like gasoline.
Came by
The dragon to concede,
It was hard to be
Red-eyed
And thirsty.
And he handed her a
Telescoping hat
Would you believe
It made the world seem small?
She said, "I believe but
I don't know . . . "
Ain't that the way it goes?
Ain't that the way it goes?
Ran, as she did,
Felt like she could fly,
Spread out
Her arms and tried . . .
Wand, cooled the wind
And her fit of flames
Started to retreat . . .
So the story goes,
The swan became a bat
After she delivered up her soul.
And the Pixies never looked back
As she crowed . . .
As she crowed . . .
--Lex slumps into sleep in the Monster's arms. He falls to sleep shortly thereafter. They rise in a dream to sing the following duet.
007 08
